Breaking up.

My posts here are getting ever rarer, and rightly this is my last post here.

 I started this blog when I was depressed as an effort to make me try and think positive. Obviously I was already then getting better, for when my depression was at worst I couldn't even write how bad I felt. I don't think I'm healed from it altogether now either. But right now I'm feeling good enough, so that writing here doesn't feel relevant anymore. And I don't mean happyhappyjoyjoy-good time all the time, but the feeling of being content in my life right now. And of being excited about things and looking forward to stuff. Thats how I feel right now, mostly, and I don't need to write it here anymore so that I could notice it.

So this is my farewell to Hurdis, my almost a year-long resuscitation of happiness.

Kuva täältä

 Love,
-Tiina

Year 2012 in music.

My friend Anna did this and I'm shamelessly going to copy her idea. I'm two weeks late, but I guess that's my usual timing =)

Long walks with Robyn, I really didn't want to be in Kuopio.

I remember the awfull feeling everytime I left my honey in Oulu.

Adeles "21" played in loop in my phone through the spring.

I  really wanted to see Prodigy in Helsinki, but of course

 I was taken into the KUH intensive care unit a day before..

 My life really sucked  back then.

 

First of May and we were young! After very difficult and agonizing 

first half of the year things finally started to look better.

 

"My dear friend lets not forget, that we can take down Pinochet!"

Really empowering music.

 

I am a wonderlust king! Hichiking through the country..

It was a Bordello summer! All I missed was to see them live, but this summer I promise I will.

 

This one is for my dear friend Minna and her hubby. 

Thank you for the most beautifull day in 2012 <3

Jewish Ukrainishe Freundschaft. 

Walking, weaving and Photoshopping as fast as I could.

I was in a weird, unhealthy, state of mind in October.

After October my goal was to live a good life. 

Following that, I didn't get my school work done 

and didn't pass the courses.

Something blue for the darkening nights. 

I'm not sure whether I like Hugh better as a Musician or a Doctor.

I know I sometimes wished House was my doctor.

This is for my friends. It was the best dancing with You.

"Having troubles telling how I feel But I can dance, dance, dance" 

This one is for this year.. 

Love,

-Tiina

New year, old habits

I returned home from my holidays in Ivalo couple nights ago, and boy am I glad to see the sun again! In Ivalo they still have to wait another week or so before the sun rises again..

I loved spending Christmas together with my brothers, mum and dad. Despite the Christmas stress and fuss I think all in all we cleared the holidays well enough. I guess I had most fun when I went setting the fishing nets with dad and our dog Rölli. I helped dad pulling the nets under the ice and every now and then we sat in the car sipping hot tea from our thermos flasks. Rölli was running loose and wild with joy around the lake. The ice was thick enough to carry a car and after the nets were set I raced few laps on the track dad had made me. It seems I'm starting to like driving a car..

I spent the new years eve drinking wine with my old friend. We watched the fireworks and after I got home, I was going to cast some tin to foresee the future , but I forgot. I tried to come up with some new years resolutions but I didn't make any. I'm gonna save my resolutions till my birthday.

Love

-Tiina

Daylight on the lake Vuontisjärvi

My baby knows what I like, tea and delicacies!

Heading South towards the light.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing a very merry and peacefull Christmas to all my friends!
Love
-Tiina

Packing and jamming

Here I am again, packing my things. Tomorrow I'm heading to Lapland for christmas holiday. My backpack is already packed to its' limit and weights a ton. I still think I've forgotten something important.. Luckily I don't snowboard. Someday I would like to spend my christmas holiday where ever I am, without having to drag all my possessions along Finland for hundreds of kilometers .

Talking about christmas, I've come to a conclusion that my favourite christmas presents are either self-made, or delicious or both. So this christmas instead of running mindlessly around shops chasing presents,  I've been busy learning how to make jam and marmalade to give as presents to my family. It's been quite fun and maybe next year I continue my new hobby.

Now I have to go to bed, tomorrow is an early morning and I still have lot to do.

Love

-Tiina 

One breakfast jam coming up!

Awesome winter sky this morning..

..and afternoon.

Licence to drive!

Wohoo! I had my driving exam this morning and I passed it! I'm so so so happy! And anxious to drive on my own. Can't wait to get home to Ivalo and to borrow  dads' car..
Love
-Tiina

Tour of Finland

It's been a while again, sorry for that. Last week I spent working at school 12 hours a day. Every evening I got home feeling like I got hit by a train.

Now I'm on a self-proclaimed holiday, on a mini-tour around Finland, on my way to Helsinki. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow in Meilahti and I'm gonna spend the night at my friend Helenas'. During these past two years I've established a basecamp at her home for my visits in Meilahti. One good thing about this illnes; I get to see old friends more often;)

Tomorrow, on my way to Oulu, I'm gonna stop at Hämeenlinna for a night. Finally I get to visit Anna there. I've been planning on visiting her since she moved there almost three years ago , but haven't found the time and money for that untill now. We're gonna pop a bottle of Baileys and heal the world. Proper. I'm really looking forward to seeing them both.  It's always so inspiring to spend time with friends, and these two clearly have two main affects on me. With Helena I always get this urge to knit or weave and Anna inspires me to paint and draw constantly. I hope it works both ways.

Love
-Tiina

PS: since Väinö came to live with me, I've taken some 200-300 photos. But currently I'm having some tecnical problems (i.e. missing usb-cord) and my posts are still lacking photos..I hope I get to fix this soon.

To be happy is to be brave

A while ago my therapist asked me what do I think happiness consists of. Back then I didn't quite know what to answer. I guess happiness is bravery. That you dare to challenge yourself  regardless of the possibility of failure. That you love, even when you're afraid of getting hurt. And that you trust that life carries you, even when it doesn't seem to.

I just need to be brave enough. The sun always shines somewhere.

Love,
Tiina

Not today

Oh, well. So I failed the driving test. Big deal. Huge actually, or so it feels. I've been so disappointed and frustrated the whole day I don't know how am I so calm now. I hate doing things I can´t and driving a car must be the hardest thing I've ever tried to learn. At times during these past months I've felt like I've failed as a human being 'cause I don't know how to drive. And now I have to take even more driving lessons before I can try taking that cursed driving exam again. I swear, next time I feel like I have too much money on me, I'm gonna buy a horse.

Thanks to my dad though, who comforted me: "You just try and get over it somehow. And then you try again" He always believes in me, even when I don't.

Love,

-Tiina

Gaining my strenght

Just a quick post now to let you know I'm still here. Lately I've been (again) too tired to write anything.

I spent last weekend in Oulu, and I'm very happy I did so. I thought I couldn't go there at all this month, for I have too little money and too much school work to do and I felt miserable because of that. Luckily my friend Johanna persuaded me to come and gave me a lift too. It was an easy weekend, I had a lunch with my godmother, saw an art exhibition and watched movies and played scrabble with my man. Very nice and laid-back.

Today I took a day of from school to rest. Tomorrow is a big day, and I have to be relaxed and focused and calm. And not to hit anybody. Wish me luck.

Love,

-Tiina

Väinö

Oh joy! I finally have a systems camera! I spotted a great offer in todays paper, and immediately rushed to the shop half an hour before it closed. I've been wanting a proper camera for years now, and now I have one. I was so happy I got lost several times on my way home from the shop =D

Now I really can start practicing photographing, and hopefully this means there'll be more pics in here too.

Love
-Tiina

Stressed out!

Right now, I guess for the first time during my studies in the Kuopio Academy of Design, I really hate my school. It's great that we get a chance to take part in the Heimtextil-fair in Frankfurt, but the workload just seems unreal. I mean 45 surface designs and 10 or something structure designs in one month! I'm not sure if I've done that many designs in the whole of my studies.. At this point I don't even think I'm gonna make it, I just wish I'll survive through this month somehow.

The positive thing about this all is, that I finally have some motivation to clean my room. Just like every other person, to avoid thinking and doing whatever I'm supposed to be doing, I start cleaning whenever pressures at school grow unbearable. I'm sure my flatmate thinks this could happen bit more often..

Love
-Tiina

Life carries

Today we had a tutormeeting with our teacher on the subject of our thesis. I've been distressed for a while, for I felt like I hadn't done a thing to further my thesis. And yet somehow everything seemed to clear and fall in its place at the meeting. Suddenly I knew for sure, that I would do only one work for the exhibition as my thesis, and I got some good tips for the theory base to back up my work. I was very happy with the results of the meeting and later on, as I chatted with my friend Johanna, we came into conclusion, that life has a funny way to sort things out the way we want. Even when we don't  yet know exactly what we want. I guess some might call it Guidance, but I like to think it's self-executing prognosis. That if you have even a tiny clue of what you want in your life you'll start working toward it  even unconsciously. And so, sooner or later you have what you wished for. Or something similar. This way, I believe, life carries you, if you let it.

Love,

Tiina

Bloglovin

You can follow me also in bloglovin. Just klick the button down at right =)

Tiina

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Going forward

Few weeks ago we decided with my friend, that we want to hold our own textile-art exhibition as our thesis. It would be loosely on a theme of "going forward" and we would both interpret it as we like. I've gradually come to decision that in my works I want to process all the emotions I´ve gone through during the past year. I want to nail my depression, sadness, panic and refusal on the walls of the gallery and then leave them there. And before doing so, I would crown them with these new feelings of happiness and contentment. Though right now it seems that processing those good feelings in to works of art is much more challenging than those of negative feelings. For they are so tiny and fleeting moments of happiness. I have to practice more feeling and naming them, letting them come to me and holding on to them. Then it should be easier to work them into tangible objects.

So much work is to be done but I feel happy and set to roll up my sleeves.

Love

-Tiina

Reminder

I returned home from Ivalo yesterday. It must have been my shortest stay over there in history, for I only spent there one night. After hearing the news from home few weeks ago, sadness, indecisiveness and weariness took over my mind. Now, after seeing my cousins and my family, after escorting together our uncle, father and brother to his last journey and returning home, I think I can slowly start getting back to my normal life. I wasn't very close with my uncle, but I still feel bad for my father and my cousins. Losing someone is such a gruesome reminder of lifes' frailty that it's almost too hard to bear. And still we just have to suck it up and keep on living. Eventually.

Love

-Tiina

 

Mourning

Due to recent events I haven't been able to write for a while. And neither am I now, either. I just wish us all strenght to face our losses and difficulties.

Until next time.

Love
-Tiina

Good day at the gates of bureauracy

I had to visit KELA today , and I felt miserable already last night because of that. Last April I went there to apply for some benefit, and the clerk told me I wasn't entitled for it cause I'm already receiving some other. Summer went by and couple of weeks ago I met my social worker. She asked about the benefit and got bristled after hearing what had happened with the application. She was sure I should have gotten the benefit even without any applications. So we filled in a new one, I dug that old and torn application from my waste paper bin and took them both to KELA this morning. I was lucky, for the clerk I met this morning happened to be the head of the local office. After hearing my story she really took all the effort to solve my problem. She took in my applications and confirmed what my social worker had told me about the benefit. She said the clerk back in April had made a mistake and that she was going to have a chat with her. And since the mistake was KELA's I might receive my lost benefits retroactively and in full. It's not much, but I was really taken by the helpfullness and good service I received this time.

The lesson here: When dealing with KELA, be persistent and never throw anything away.

Love,

Tiina

Happiness is huge mess on the floor

I'm getting ready for a productive week. My floor is already covered in videotape boxes, yarns, paints, paper and sketchbooks. Next week is autumn holiday and I decided to stay in Kuopio and work on  with my projects. I've got so many things I want to do and am excited about that I just couldn't bare the thought of leaving Kuopio and Turo -our schoolbuilding and my other home,  for an entire week. So next week I'm going to spend binding sketchbooks, trying out some techniques I want to use in my thesis, disassembling some 50 vhs-cassettes, organizing my DIY-cupboard, sketching, painting and learning to drive... So forgive me my friends, relatives and loved one, I'll try to answer the phone if you call, but my hands might be covered in paste and my mind so deep in a DIY-haze that I wont hear... Yesterday I  asked my therapist whether I'm turning manic, but she assured me I'm only being my old self again. It's just been so long since I last felt like this. It's like Christmas came early =)

Love.

Tiina

PS: If anyone has surplus of plastic videocassette boxes somewhere gathering dust, I'll be more than happy to give them a new home.

Creative Chaos

I've been very busy for the past few weeks. And productive too, which is very gratifying. 

Last weekend we finished that ANTI-wedding project with my classmates. The whole project ended in a great spectacle of ecosexual wedding at the lake Kallavesi. It was good fun and a rollicking party. After the brides had jumped in the lake, the "altar" looked like a battlefield with their clothes, bouquets, rings and fishcrackers thrown all over and stamped in the rug. I'm very pleased I took part in the project, it was bit trying, but satisfying and fun too. By the way, I spent a day on a seminar held at ANTI-contemporary art festival, where Pier Luigi Sacco, professor of Cultural Economics at IULM University, Milano stated that taking part in cultural activities improves the health of people. So take that, politicians! More money to culture equals less doctors needed.

The brides Annie and Beth with me and Johanna.

Lately I've been working on on my thesis too, for a hurricane of thoughts and dreams gave me some new ideas and  tossed my old plans out the window. I was so anxious to be able to work on our dreamed textile art exhibition with my friend, that we finally asked our tutor-teacher if we could change our plans and hold that art exhibition as our shared thesis. And Yay! we could! Our teacher thought that "life should be fun". What a wise person she is! I can't wait to get my hands deep in artsy tinkering with yarns, looms, watercolors and embroidery...

Yesterday I had a long chat with my friend Minna over cups of tea and sushi. She thought that after all the horrids of past year, I'm novadays even more positive than before I got ill and depressed. And I feel like that too. I must try and describe it better to you someday, for it is quite marvellous...

Oh, yes I forgot, the reason this post is titled Creative Chaos..

 

My DIY-project cupboard erupted again. My room's in an end-of-the-school-projects state.. I love it that way.

Love

Tiina