Merry Christmas!

Wishing a very merry and peacefull Christmas to all my friends!
Love
-Tiina

Packing and jamming

Here I am again, packing my things. Tomorrow I'm heading to Lapland for christmas holiday. My backpack is already packed to its' limit and weights a ton. I still think I've forgotten something important.. Luckily I don't snowboard. Someday I would like to spend my christmas holiday where ever I am, without having to drag all my possessions along Finland for hundreds of kilometers .

Talking about christmas, I've come to a conclusion that my favourite christmas presents are either self-made, or delicious or both. So this christmas instead of running mindlessly around shops chasing presents,  I've been busy learning how to make jam and marmalade to give as presents to my family. It's been quite fun and maybe next year I continue my new hobby.

Now I have to go to bed, tomorrow is an early morning and I still have lot to do.

Love

-Tiina 

One breakfast jam coming up!

Awesome winter sky this morning..

..and afternoon.

Licence to drive!

Wohoo! I had my driving exam this morning and I passed it! I'm so so so happy! And anxious to drive on my own. Can't wait to get home to Ivalo and to borrow  dads' car..
Love
-Tiina

Tour of Finland

It's been a while again, sorry for that. Last week I spent working at school 12 hours a day. Every evening I got home feeling like I got hit by a train.

Now I'm on a self-proclaimed holiday, on a mini-tour around Finland, on my way to Helsinki. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow in Meilahti and I'm gonna spend the night at my friend Helenas'. During these past two years I've established a basecamp at her home for my visits in Meilahti. One good thing about this illnes; I get to see old friends more often;)

Tomorrow, on my way to Oulu, I'm gonna stop at Hämeenlinna for a night. Finally I get to visit Anna there. I've been planning on visiting her since she moved there almost three years ago , but haven't found the time and money for that untill now. We're gonna pop a bottle of Baileys and heal the world. Proper. I'm really looking forward to seeing them both.  It's always so inspiring to spend time with friends, and these two clearly have two main affects on me. With Helena I always get this urge to knit or weave and Anna inspires me to paint and draw constantly. I hope it works both ways.

Love
-Tiina

PS: since Väinö came to live with me, I've taken some 200-300 photos. But currently I'm having some tecnical problems (i.e. missing usb-cord) and my posts are still lacking photos..I hope I get to fix this soon.

To be happy is to be brave

A while ago my therapist asked me what do I think happiness consists of. Back then I didn't quite know what to answer. I guess happiness is bravery. That you dare to challenge yourself  regardless of the possibility of failure. That you love, even when you're afraid of getting hurt. And that you trust that life carries you, even when it doesn't seem to.

I just need to be brave enough. The sun always shines somewhere.

Love,
Tiina

Not today

Oh, well. So I failed the driving test. Big deal. Huge actually, or so it feels. I've been so disappointed and frustrated the whole day I don't know how am I so calm now. I hate doing things I can´t and driving a car must be the hardest thing I've ever tried to learn. At times during these past months I've felt like I've failed as a human being 'cause I don't know how to drive. And now I have to take even more driving lessons before I can try taking that cursed driving exam again. I swear, next time I feel like I have too much money on me, I'm gonna buy a horse.

Thanks to my dad though, who comforted me: "You just try and get over it somehow. And then you try again" He always believes in me, even when I don't.

Love,

-Tiina

Gaining my strenght

Just a quick post now to let you know I'm still here. Lately I've been (again) too tired to write anything.

I spent last weekend in Oulu, and I'm very happy I did so. I thought I couldn't go there at all this month, for I have too little money and too much school work to do and I felt miserable because of that. Luckily my friend Johanna persuaded me to come and gave me a lift too. It was an easy weekend, I had a lunch with my godmother, saw an art exhibition and watched movies and played scrabble with my man. Very nice and laid-back.

Today I took a day of from school to rest. Tomorrow is a big day, and I have to be relaxed and focused and calm. And not to hit anybody. Wish me luck.

Love,

-Tiina

Väinö

Oh joy! I finally have a systems camera! I spotted a great offer in todays paper, and immediately rushed to the shop half an hour before it closed. I've been wanting a proper camera for years now, and now I have one. I was so happy I got lost several times on my way home from the shop =D

Now I really can start practicing photographing, and hopefully this means there'll be more pics in here too.

Love
-Tiina

Stressed out!

Right now, I guess for the first time during my studies in the Kuopio Academy of Design, I really hate my school. It's great that we get a chance to take part in the Heimtextil-fair in Frankfurt, but the workload just seems unreal. I mean 45 surface designs and 10 or something structure designs in one month! I'm not sure if I've done that many designs in the whole of my studies.. At this point I don't even think I'm gonna make it, I just wish I'll survive through this month somehow.

The positive thing about this all is, that I finally have some motivation to clean my room. Just like every other person, to avoid thinking and doing whatever I'm supposed to be doing, I start cleaning whenever pressures at school grow unbearable. I'm sure my flatmate thinks this could happen bit more often..

Love
-Tiina

Life carries

Today we had a tutormeeting with our teacher on the subject of our thesis. I've been distressed for a while, for I felt like I hadn't done a thing to further my thesis. And yet somehow everything seemed to clear and fall in its place at the meeting. Suddenly I knew for sure, that I would do only one work for the exhibition as my thesis, and I got some good tips for the theory base to back up my work. I was very happy with the results of the meeting and later on, as I chatted with my friend Johanna, we came into conclusion, that life has a funny way to sort things out the way we want. Even when we don't  yet know exactly what we want. I guess some might call it Guidance, but I like to think it's self-executing prognosis. That if you have even a tiny clue of what you want in your life you'll start working toward it  even unconsciously. And so, sooner or later you have what you wished for. Or something similar. This way, I believe, life carries you, if you let it.

Love,

Tiina

Bloglovin

You can follow me also in bloglovin. Just klick the button down at right =)

Tiina

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Going forward

Few weeks ago we decided with my friend, that we want to hold our own textile-art exhibition as our thesis. It would be loosely on a theme of "going forward" and we would both interpret it as we like. I've gradually come to decision that in my works I want to process all the emotions I´ve gone through during the past year. I want to nail my depression, sadness, panic and refusal on the walls of the gallery and then leave them there. And before doing so, I would crown them with these new feelings of happiness and contentment. Though right now it seems that processing those good feelings in to works of art is much more challenging than those of negative feelings. For they are so tiny and fleeting moments of happiness. I have to practice more feeling and naming them, letting them come to me and holding on to them. Then it should be easier to work them into tangible objects.

So much work is to be done but I feel happy and set to roll up my sleeves.

Love

-Tiina

Reminder

I returned home from Ivalo yesterday. It must have been my shortest stay over there in history, for I only spent there one night. After hearing the news from home few weeks ago, sadness, indecisiveness and weariness took over my mind. Now, after seeing my cousins and my family, after escorting together our uncle, father and brother to his last journey and returning home, I think I can slowly start getting back to my normal life. I wasn't very close with my uncle, but I still feel bad for my father and my cousins. Losing someone is such a gruesome reminder of lifes' frailty that it's almost too hard to bear. And still we just have to suck it up and keep on living. Eventually.

Love

-Tiina

 

Mourning

Due to recent events I haven't been able to write for a while. And neither am I now, either. I just wish us all strenght to face our losses and difficulties.

Until next time.

Love
-Tiina

Good day at the gates of bureauracy

I had to visit KELA today , and I felt miserable already last night because of that. Last April I went there to apply for some benefit, and the clerk told me I wasn't entitled for it cause I'm already receiving some other. Summer went by and couple of weeks ago I met my social worker. She asked about the benefit and got bristled after hearing what had happened with the application. She was sure I should have gotten the benefit even without any applications. So we filled in a new one, I dug that old and torn application from my waste paper bin and took them both to KELA this morning. I was lucky, for the clerk I met this morning happened to be the head of the local office. After hearing my story she really took all the effort to solve my problem. She took in my applications and confirmed what my social worker had told me about the benefit. She said the clerk back in April had made a mistake and that she was going to have a chat with her. And since the mistake was KELA's I might receive my lost benefits retroactively and in full. It's not much, but I was really taken by the helpfullness and good service I received this time.

The lesson here: When dealing with KELA, be persistent and never throw anything away.

Love,

Tiina

Happiness is huge mess on the floor

I'm getting ready for a productive week. My floor is already covered in videotape boxes, yarns, paints, paper and sketchbooks. Next week is autumn holiday and I decided to stay in Kuopio and work on  with my projects. I've got so many things I want to do and am excited about that I just couldn't bare the thought of leaving Kuopio and Turo -our schoolbuilding and my other home,  for an entire week. So next week I'm going to spend binding sketchbooks, trying out some techniques I want to use in my thesis, disassembling some 50 vhs-cassettes, organizing my DIY-cupboard, sketching, painting and learning to drive... So forgive me my friends, relatives and loved one, I'll try to answer the phone if you call, but my hands might be covered in paste and my mind so deep in a DIY-haze that I wont hear... Yesterday I  asked my therapist whether I'm turning manic, but she assured me I'm only being my old self again. It's just been so long since I last felt like this. It's like Christmas came early =)

Love.

Tiina

PS: If anyone has surplus of plastic videocassette boxes somewhere gathering dust, I'll be more than happy to give them a new home.

Creative Chaos

I've been very busy for the past few weeks. And productive too, which is very gratifying. 

Last weekend we finished that ANTI-wedding project with my classmates. The whole project ended in a great spectacle of ecosexual wedding at the lake Kallavesi. It was good fun and a rollicking party. After the brides had jumped in the lake, the "altar" looked like a battlefield with their clothes, bouquets, rings and fishcrackers thrown all over and stamped in the rug. I'm very pleased I took part in the project, it was bit trying, but satisfying and fun too. By the way, I spent a day on a seminar held at ANTI-contemporary art festival, where Pier Luigi Sacco, professor of Cultural Economics at IULM University, Milano stated that taking part in cultural activities improves the health of people. So take that, politicians! More money to culture equals less doctors needed.

The brides Annie and Beth with me and Johanna.

Lately I've been working on on my thesis too, for a hurricane of thoughts and dreams gave me some new ideas and  tossed my old plans out the window. I was so anxious to be able to work on our dreamed textile art exhibition with my friend, that we finally asked our tutor-teacher if we could change our plans and hold that art exhibition as our shared thesis. And Yay! we could! Our teacher thought that "life should be fun". What a wise person she is! I can't wait to get my hands deep in artsy tinkering with yarns, looms, watercolors and embroidery...

Yesterday I had a long chat with my friend Minna over cups of tea and sushi. She thought that after all the horrids of past year, I'm novadays even more positive than before I got ill and depressed. And I feel like that too. I must try and describe it better to you someday, for it is quite marvellous...

Oh, yes I forgot, the reason this post is titled Creative Chaos..

 

My DIY-project cupboard erupted again. My room's in an end-of-the-school-projects state.. I love it that way.

Love

Tiina

Good mood

Today is a good day. I could feel it when I pulled my bike out and up from the bikehold and cycled to driving school. Do you know the feeling, when you're in such a good mood your steps are lighter and it feels like you're floating? Ya. I felt like that and I whistled on my way. 

Last night I gave up something, that took too much of my time, ate my energy and mostly made me dull. Today I feel like a new person.

So here's my challenge: Do you recognize something that wears you down? Can you try and give it up?

Love
-Tiina

Charging batteries

After two weeks of intensive work for that ANTI- contemporary art project, I finally had a a day of today. I've spent the day at home, listening to music, doodling and tinkering and drinking hot blackcurrant juice cup after cup.I would have gone out gathering maple leafs, but I felt too cold.

It's been easy and laidback day. I didn't do much for my energy levels felt rather low. Sometimes it's just better to unwind when ever you can.

Tiina

Full speed ahead!

I don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe it's this autumn, my favourite time of the year, or the fact that I've finally recovered of that heartincident and -surgery I had more than year ago. Or maybe it's both! In anycase, it seems like nothing can stop me now. I'm full of energy and ideas and am super-excited about everything! I'm working on a contemporary art-project with my classmates, and I'm dreaming of my own artexhibition. I'm also working on on my thesis; my longtime product design-project, that hopefully someday will turn into a product that I can sell. Then there are some prints and patterns and stuff that I want to take to Heimtextil-fair in Frankfurt next spring. And have I mentioned that I'm dreaming of doing my practical training abroad? All that and some other stuff too, it feels like I was hyper! In the evenings I can't get sleep for all the ideas are running amok in my head. I guess I'm trying to catch up after holding back for a year.

I'm still attending my psychotherapy sessions every week, atleast till the end of this year. Only now, instead of going through the incidents and feelings of past year, I'm working on on my future, and am very happy about that. Also, I met my cardiologist in helsinki few weeks ago, and he said that everything was ok, and that we can now slowly start reducing my medication. Who would have known that recovering can take this long??

Inspiring autumn to you all!

Tiina

A lucky heart!

Alive and feeling damn good!

The summer is officially over, and so is my holiday too. And I can tell, it must have been the best summer for years! I doubt if I've had such a good time in years and never in such a short period of time have I realised that I can do so many (crazy) things if I only try. I travelled, I hitchhiked. I spent time with my friends and family, I spent time on my own. I met new people, I made new friends. I felt good and healthy, I challenged myself and succeeded. I'm so happy about my summer, that instead of working or practical training, I'm going to spend next summer on a holiday as well.

One of the best parts of my holiday was that hiking trip to Koli with other heart young and -adults. I remember I had just gotten out of hospital in the mid of June and was on my way home from Helsinki when I enrolled to that meeting. I felt so broken and weak after that horrible May (read here, here and here) I wasn't sure if I can hike at all. But I enrolled anyway, as soon as I could, for I had been waiting for that trip since last november. And luckily I got better during the summer.  Physically the Koli trip was a bit trying but it was so easy to be there with other likehearted. I didn't need to explain myself to anyone if I needed to take a breather. Neither was I left alone in the end of the line puffing, but someone was always there with me. And we catched our breath, laughed, took a picture and continued hiking. We hiked bit over seven kilometres on the rocks and hills of Koli on one day. Some hiked about ten kilometres, but I was pleased with my seven. We also got to crawl and climb through the longest natural cave in Finland, tried running on water in a Zorba-ball and swam in the lake Pielinen. I and other two of us also attended a clown jump competition in the Koli harbour. During the trip I had truly realised that I regret things I didn't do more than things I've done. So by the end of Saturday I was quite exhausted and extremely happy, for I had tried everything possible. Except eating worms.

The Koli trip was a home run. There were twenty of us, aged between 15 and 49. Some of us had attended Synja-meetings before, others attended for the first time. My first time in a Synja-meeting last November was very important to me, and I hope that those who attended for the first time at Koli, catched the same feeling of peer support, understanding and sharing as I did back then.

-Tiina

Some photos from Koli, all taken by Ville Ikkala. Many thanks to the photographer =)

At the top of Ukko Koli

The lakeshore in the evening

The woods of Koli

The cave Pirunkirkko

Ready for the Repokallio-cave challenge

Group of congenitally heart defected people climbing another set of stairs =)

Peer support. I love this picture

Holiday break

Phew..I hope no-one has held their breath while waiting for my post.. Sorry for that. It's been quiet here lately,  mainly because I'm on a holiday, traveling, and I don't have proper acces to the internet while on the road. Also I've felt lazy on blogwise..

I'm going to be offline yet another month, till school starts again. Untill then I wish you all a sunny and relaxing summer!

-Tiina

Sleeping under a rosebush

I've been out quite a lot, on long walks around Neulamäki. The weather isn't quite warm enough for a swim, so I go out and walk.It's amazing how good it makes me feel, to walk in the nature and sit by the lake shore, listening to the wind, smelling the roses and watching the birds. I could spend days like that. If there wasn't mosquitos.

Little ducklings at Tervaruukki in Neulamäki

Herra Sammakko

Dog roses near the hospital

 

 

Imagine being very little and living under a rosebush where the petals would fall on you like giant snowflakes..

Lakeshore near Kuopio university

I really like Kuopio in summer time. It's a laidback little town, where you're never far from the water. 

-Tiina

Sunny beach

Yesterday was a real holiday. I might as well have been in Fuengirola (hugs Heta!) except that I was here, in Kuopio!

I woke up in the morning when my friend called and asked if I wanted to go to the beach. I had a quick breakfast, packed my things and took a bus to town, where I met Ida. Before heading to Vänäris' beach we spent a little time on the market square, checking the stands. We bought some fresh strawberries and peas and bunch of other stuff for lunch. After winning a bag full of brochures from some Finnish Design-stand, my hands were so full of bags and stuff that it felt like I was going to set up a camp on the beach. Ida had also won a bag full of brochures, but she had had better scores than I so she also had some sweets in her gift bag.

It was really hot and once we arrived to the beach I was all ready for a swim, but didn't dare yet. Instead we chatted for a while, munched some strawberries and peas and bathed in the sun. Finally I had to go and take a dip in the lake. The water was much colder than I had expected! Maybe I had forgotten how cold the water was, for I hadn't swim last summer at all because the scars were only healing. Well, atleast it was refreshing, though I couldnt stay long.

Me and Ida with our camping gears

At the harbour there were a bunch of nice... boats

We spent the whole day on the beach and before we left we played Pölli in the park, where it was bit shadier. Ida won both rounds before we quit. We walked back to town through the harbour and on our way we decided to have something to eat at Amarillo. I was dreaming of going to the wine festival in the harbour, where there would be lots of good food and wines, but the entrance-fee was too expensive. So we settled for Amarillo. After stuffing ourselves there, we decided to have another drink on  some terrace before going home.

At home my feet were aching like on a real vacation =)

-Tiina

Travel plans

This was ment to be automatically published a week ago, but somehow it didn't. Well, here it is now, though some of my plans have already changed.

June is almost over and  the rest of my summer looks quite busy. Or maybe busy isn't the right word. You're busy when you have lots of things to do that you don't want to do. And I most certainly want to do all the things I've written in my calendar. And to do all those things, I have to travel back and forth through Finland from north to south. 

I´m gonna spent couple of weeks in Kuopio, get therapized and tanned, relax and meet friends. Then I´m heading to Revonlahti, to stay at my friend Johannas' place, a lovely, old, little cottage with little electricity and no running water. Then I could  finally meet her horses, and  pat them and feet them carrots. Maybe even try riding a horse, who knows? From Revonlahti, it's not long till Oulu where I could loiter a while with the same plan as in Kuopio, before heading further north, back to Ivalo. Just in time for the Watercross, Rock@Ivalo-Sity (yes, thats how it's written up here) and Jukka Poikas' concert. After recovering from that,    I'm going to Pyhä with Johanna, to dig up some amethysts and see Pyhä Unplugged. Johanna told me the place, Pyhä Kuru is worth seeing and hearing. A huge bowl of rocks in the middle of fells. I'm mainly interested in the amethystmine. From Pyhä, my pockets filled with precious stones, I guess I head back to Kuopio and school.  In the end of August, that Synja-meeting at Koli finally ends my summer holiday.

In moneywise, and for the sake of adventure, I hope I have enough stamina and courage to hitchhike. My plans to hitchhike from Kuopio to Ivalo didn't start too well though, for I was standing by a wrong junction. But I wont be discouraged! Next time I`ll have a map. Besides, I would have gotten a lift from there too, only it was to Savonlinna, in  totally opposite direction from where I was heading to.

-Tiina

Fishing with dad

I'm back in Kuopio, and remembering Ivalo it wasn't really so gloomy I had thought it would be. There were some really good moments too. Like the night I spent with Jukka and other friends celebrating Juhannus. Even the weather was eventually so nice, that it was pity to leave the cottage and the lake shore behind and head back to town. Also the barbequeing-party Jukka held last weekend was good fun. Lots of friends, little barbequeing and more beer and board games =)

Still, after all those parties I think the best thing was when I went fishing with my dad. We had been trying to go to the river ever since I arrived in Ivalo, and finally a day before I left we packed the boat and took of.  The weather wasn't really promising, the clouds were gathering on the sky, it was windy and actually thundering in Ivalo. Nevertheless we packed our stuff, prepared our fishing gears and I pulled on dads' raincoat and -trousers, for it was raining cats and dogs when we left. Luckily the weather was shifty and by the time we reached the shore where we slid the boat in the river, it was already sunny again. The photos I took don't look right, for it was really bright weather, and it looks like it would be raining in them. Well I didn't want to spent time fumbling with the camera settings when there was more important things to do. Like just being present.

Dad driving the boat

Rölli couldn't stay still for one picture

We spent the afternoon trolling back and forth between two rapids. I'm not much of a fisher, I don't even like fish but this time I really enjoyed it. I congratulated myself of the few somewhat good throws I had. Even dad was in a good humor and relaxed. Despite our efforts though we only caught one fish and spotted one wood grouse. On our way home we feasted with salmiac and cheese with cloudberry jam. I think it was one of the best trips I've had with my dad.

-Tiina

Wearing long-johns in June

I'm still in Ivalo, and looking out the window the question of long-johns is highly relevant. It's below 5 Celsius and in the morning the tops of the fells were covered in snow. Here in the valley by the river it´s windy and the rain turns into sleet every now and then. I'm seriously contemplating on heading back South where one  can make a sun-shade out of them long-johns if is handy enough. Or just bury them in the back of the wardrobe.

One good thing about this arctic weather though is, that you don't have to suffer the company of gnats. Unless they're cramming under your hood while looking for shelter from the sleet and snow. Most uncomfortable, I would say.

-Tiina

Midsummer in Ivalo

Phew. Midsummer celebrations are finally over. I spent the weekend in Lapland, camping, barbequeing and chilling with friends. The weather was like a young bride and everyone was in a good mood. Even my mum and dad had spent the midsummers' eve together at home drinking wine and singing old songs.
All and all it's been good times, almost as good as the good old times =)

Tomorrow, if it's warm enough I'm heading to the beach. It's finally and officially summer in Ivalo!

-Tiina

Midsummer mindstorm

On friday all the Finns are celebrating midsummers eve. It seems that everyone is going somewhere, to their relatives, or to their summercottages by the rivers and lakes all around this country. I'm puzzled, 'cause I feel like I too should be going home to Lapland, but I really kinda don't want to. My family hasn't any midsummers' traditions, we don't own a cottage and I wasn't planning on going to Ivalo before the very end of this month, when it's warm enough there. I would like to see my family and my friends, but if I went there now, I would only stay such a short time that I wouldn't have time to see everybody. Also I was planning on hitchhiking there, taking my time on traveling, but now I feel like I wouldn't have enough time, since I would have to be in Ivalo by thursday.

Phew. Such a dilemma! I guess the best thing to do would be to sleep over this and figure out what to do tomorrow. I can't even pack now, since all my clothes are wet after laundry..

-Tiina

Riding in a rollercoaster

It´s been so long from my last post that I could hardly remember what I wrote. Surely enough things didn't go quite as I planned. The next day I didn't go to school, nor did I print those resolutions of mine. Instead I got some complications from the operations the week before and had to rush back to KUH again.

Tuesday morning I went to KUH to get some intravenous medication I was supposed to have once a year. After I got home my tummy started to ache. I tried to sleep, but finally the pain had gotten so severe I had fainted after getting up. After coming back to my senses I thought I should maybe call a taxi and get to the emergency duty at KUH. At the hospital everyone thought the medication caused the pain. After two nights in the ward I fainted again and now the doctors were sure it couldn't be due the medication anymore. Instead it was my liver, that had been accidentally left bleeding into my stomach,after the biopsy they took the week before. I was rushed to be patched, spent a night at the intensive care unit, during which I couldn't sleep a wink and my stomach filled up with fluids again. From ICU I was moved to the cardiac care unit, where they agreed on draining the fluids out. Only this time they did it painfully slowly, letting out only two litres of bloody fluids every day. The whole trip took one week and I felt like a wreck after getting out.

After I got home they rang me from Helsinki, Meilahti hospital. They wanted me to come over next week for some new examinations. There has been some discussion whether I would need a heart-transplant in the near future. Now more information was needed to back up the decision of putting me on the transplantation-list . The trip to Helsinki took another week, but I had only few examinations. Just some bloodtests, an echo and an endoscopy of my heart. Other than that I just lied there and read and thought I'd finally be bored to death. Anyways, the cardiologists seemed baffled with the results of the exams. All the results were better than earlier in February and my heart actually looked strong and well-working. It seems, at least for now, that I wont be needing that transplant afterall in any time soon (knock on wood). The poor cardiologist looked like he didn't know exactly what to do, since nothing needed to be done. He ordered me to come over again in September for another control, and wished me happy summer holiday. I think I got the best news I could possibly have.

Some month it has been.  And now I have the whole summer ahead of me. I think my rollercoaster is finally climbing uphill.

-Tiina

PS: After coming home from Helsinki, I enrolled to that Synja-hiking I told you about =)

Small corrections

It's already three months from my first post. Sadly, it seems my enthusiasm towards this blog has fainted quite a lot. Honestly though the past month was so rough that I've lacked zest for everything and this blog has drifted astray. But now I'm gonna try and get back on the saddle and set this blog, and my life, back on the tracks I want them to be on. Heh, can you see the pattern here already? First I'm superhappy for a while, then I´m back in the ditches. Up and down, I should have named this blog after a rollercoaster.

Tomorrow I'm going to school and I'm gonna print my birhtday resolutions so that I can stick them on my wall. Tomorrow it's going to be another new beginning. Or mayde I would only need small corrections?

-Tiina

Light as a feather

It´s been a while since my last post, but now I´m back again, light as a feather. 

 

The past three weeks have been rough, for I´ve spend most of them in the hospital. I had a short holiday between the hospital periods, but somehow I was too tired and disappointed to really enjoy it. I even went to Oulu to see my boyfriend but it didn't help at all. I hated the way I looked and felt more than ever and being close to someone made it even worse.

Yesterday I got home from my latest trip to KUH. This time the doctors and cardiologists had finally agreed on draining the fluid out of my stomach. They had to do it so that the other operations could be done safely. In less than a day, they drained over 10 litres of excess fluid out of my body. I lost seven kilos! Though the operation was slightly painfull I was so happy I wept. It felt like I had finally gotten back my own body from the aliens of illness. Lying on the hospital bed I felt so light, like hovering in the air. When I got home, I wanted to try on all my clothes that didn't fit me for the past year. The cardiologist warned me though, that this would be only temporary, that the fluid would come back. I just wish so much that I could stay like this, at least through the summer. Or untill they finally decide what to do with my poor mess of a heart. 

-Tiina

I'm out!

Yay! I got home from the hospital earlier today and am super-happy. I have to go back there next week, but until then I'm free as a bird. And by now I've already enjoyed glasses of sparkling wine with my friends. Perhaps tomorrow I'll go to the amusement park. One has to celebrate life whenever possible =)

-Tiina

Good things in hospital.

Just a quick post about the supposedly good things in being in hospital. Mainly 'cause I'm too lazy to list all the annoyances.

-No cooking nor dishes. A huge plus.
-Expensive medicine is on the house.
-The paper in the morning.
-Multiple afternoon-naps.
-Nice view from the seventh floor.

Continueing the list any further would be lying.

- Tiina

Live! From KUH

Just testing blogging on the go.. The necklace in the pictures is a Dreamcatcher from MARI & ARROWs newest collection called Wanderlust. I spotted it last saturday and it was love at first sight! More about MARI & ARROW here.


-Tiina

Not like in Strömsö..

Well, things just didn't go quite like I hoped. I had already arranged myself a wheelchair for that trip to Helsinki, and all my friends had offered to give me push in it. We were already excited about our fieldtrip when my doctor called and told me I shouldn't go. There was an infection in my leg and I needed to go to KUH for an intravenous antibiotics treatment. I'm so disappointed, but what can I do. I've packed my bag now for a week in a hospital and next I'm gonna call myself a taxi. Unless I learn how to blog via mobile phone, you'll hear from me next time after a week or so. So, until next time, I wish you all have a nice weekend!

-Tiina

Stick Girl

Hip hey! I'm walking with crutches again. This must be the fourth time within the past year. So today, inspired by my current condition, I'd like to share this poem with you.

Stick Boy and Match Girl in Love

Stick Boy liked Match Girl,

he liked her a lot.

He liked her cute figure,

he thought she was hot.

But could a flame ever burn

for a match and a stick?

It did quite literally;

he burned up pretty quick.

Poem and illustration by Tim Burton

My leg never got better after I hurt it on May Day, so finally I went to see a doctor. And just like before, there was nothing wrong with my leg. It´s just too painfull to walk, so I got them crutches. This friday we´re going on a field trip to Helsinki to visit Marimekko and other placs and events, including Aurelia-fashion show by our own Kuopio Academy of Design. Now I'm hoping for a miracle cure, or otherwise my classmates have to push me in a wheelchair all around Helsinki.

-Tiina

Dear Sigmund..

I've been writing a diary for ages, ever since I've been eight or nine years old. I don't  write daily though, or even regularly, just when I feel like it. There are times I write every day several pages, and then there can be weeks without entries. Some of my diaries are very dear to me, and some are full of stuff that I'd rather forget. It always seems to be small event, or even crisis when my current diary is finally full. I always tend to get attached to my diary, particularly if it's full of meaningfull stuff, but it's always a fun event to go and look for a new notebook.

Lately I've been writing another kind of diary, every day as a part of my therapy. I'm supposed to write stream of consciousness on longhand for 30 minutes every morning. First on right hand for 20 minutes, then on left hand for five minutes and then again on right hand. If you´re left-handed you should do it vice-versa. The sudject is always the same: What is my goal. The whole idea of the writing is to set mind to the future.

Now, I don't know if it works for me very well. First of all, I can't write in the morning. It's impossible, it messes my whole day if I brake my morning routines. Another thing, how am I supposed to write stream of consciousness on a subject? And the third, I don't like the subject. I don't like goals. I'd rather write about happiness or something. Well, the good thing about this all is, that I got to buy a new nitebook for it. Suitably, it's covers have been decorated with parts from a manuscript called "Architecture of Hysteria" from Sigmund Freud.

Maybe I should give it another try, for two weeks maybe. There´s a goal for me.

-Tiina

That night we were young

Here's another photo post about Vappu, or May Days', celebrations. Now that I look at these photos I realise there isn't a one of me in my overalls. And I'm so proud of them! Also, like every time, afterwards I think I should've photographed more, but obviously I was too busy. 

Anyways, I celebrated with my classmates and we were supposed to take part in a student march through the city, but we managed to miss that. We'd been looking for a radio that we can take with us from our school. Later on we realised we didn't want to spend so much money on the batteries to that radio, and we'd left the power cord to school. We managed to miss all the other happenings too, like the one where the university students drop a professor in the pool. I dont know how that happened, we just forgot about it. Eventually we had a picnic and barbeque by a little pond near the city centre. Well, even then we first forgot the sausages to our friends place, and didn't remember them before we had lit the grill. There was a lot of crowd there and it was good fun. Me and Laura limped through the whole evening; Laura had had her cast taken of from her foot earlier in the morning, and I had stumbled on a rock and hurt my knee. All and all, and despite the misfortunes, it was a good night, which ended way too soon. 

Now I can't wait till next Vappu, it will be my last as a student!! Sniff =') Next time I'll have a backpack and hot rum instead of cold sparkling wine. I won't miss any occasions and I'll wear my overalls day-in-day-out through the week of Vappu.

-Tiina

The Lobotomy Sisters; Ida and I

Johanna, Heidi, Saara and Saara

 Ida barbequeing. We had some salad too. And chips and mustard. Proper picnic.

Cheers! Laura looks dubious

Hammock-dreams

Sunday afternoon went by just rocking in a hammock at my friends backyard, Sipping mead and mango-strawberry lassi. The weather was like a young maiden and I just can´t imagine a better way to spend an afternoon. Someday I will have my own hammock too. I'm just afraid I´d never get anything done then. But I'd be busy thinking great thoughts, like Hemingway...
-Tiina

May Day celebrations!

May Day is  on tuesday and like every other student in this town I'm busy celebrating. To me, May Day is even better than Christmas. I'm totally a May Day person ;)

Last night we sat at the Ale Pub with my classmates planning for May Day and getting our overalls ready. Tonight were heading to the Old Harbour and on monday theres going to be even more dancing, marching singin and barbequeing. So until then I wish a very, very happy May Day to y'all!

-Tiina

The soundtrack for the day is, of course, from Gogol Bordello.

Sweet things from scrap!

I just found something wonderfull I want to try too! This girl Katja at maedchenmitherz makes a spring-inspired scrap journal. Every day for a month she makes a new page with a subject by glueing, painting, draving and what not and they look so cool! 

Picture by Katja @ maedchenmitherz

 Now if someone didn't know already, I'm crazy about notebooks, but not so crazy about writing, so here's a way I could put my notebooks into use and make something beautiful out of them. I just have to gather some pictures, and pretty papers and all kinds of scrap. And glues and rulers and a knife and different pencils... Luckily I already have one cupboard full of all sort of missmatch stuff. Whoo! I'm so excited already I want to start right away! My first journal could be about happiness..

-Tiina

At the gates of bureaucracy

It seems that the sicker you get, the closer relationship you are bound to have with KELA. The amount of papers I have to fill and send there is unbelievable. Until last month I had managed to do it all by myself, but then, eventually I had to ask for help. And so I met my social worker, who is actually really nice, and always thinking to my benefit. She always comes up with new benefits that I should apply for, and makes me fill dozens of applications for KELA. I'm not even sure anymore to what  have I applied for. Maybe next time I see her, I should tell her I'm quite content already with what I have. Otherwise it'll be a neverending red tape.

I while ago, I thought I should share with you some tips about how to work with KELA when you get ill. I think my best advice is to ask to see a social worker already when you´re in the hospital. There you can go through together some benefits you're entitled when you're ill. And before you leave the hospital ask the social worker to make you a new appointment after you get home and feel bit better. All the applications and their affixes are way too much to take in when you're not feeling good. Hopefully, you'll have as nice social worker as I have. And when you apply anything from KELA, or the social welfare office, be persistent and ask for help in time. Over here is a finnish welfare guide summoned together by different support associations of people with long-term illnesses. It's vast and helpfull even for those who are well.

Phew.. A lot of heavy stuff here today. My apologies. Other than this, it's been a very good day today =)

-Tiina

Carpe diem my friend!

This morning, after an only hour in school and I could already feel that nothing would work that day. So when I heard my friend would be driving to Oulu after classes I decided to join her. I left school, packed my things and of we went!

The lesson here, seize the moment and live as if someone left the gate open =)

-Tiina

Painfully quiet in here..

A Couple of days ago I went to the dentist and had my one and only wisdom tooth pulled out. The operation itself didn't hurt too much, but  I'm starting to think that nothing before has ached as much  as my face has been aching since. For the past couple of days I´ve only been able to eat ice cream and painkillers and watch Boardwalk Empire. Thats why I haven't been writing anything. Now there´s going to be a massive bruise on my jaw. Now I either have to learn how to make up or just stare the people in the eye and tell them they should see the other heroine. I think I'll choose the last one ;)

-Tiina

A day as a starfish

I once read a book, where there was this woman, who lived by the sea and believed that humas and dolphins had evolved from watermonkeys. The woman herself was addicted to water and she spent most of her days in the water and swam and lived like otters. Eventually she was put in a mental hospital.

Anyways, after I read the book, I thought I'd want to learn to swim properly, so that I could enjoy it like the lady in the book. My swimming is just about passable and I didn't learn it in the swimming school. Luckily my friend offered to teach me, and yesterday we began our lessons in the kids pool. Well, needles to say my swimming style was nowhere near that of the otters. It was more like one of a drowning starfish. But we had lots of fun and I learned to dive without pinching my nose. I think its a start allright and I can't wait for our next lesson.

My exercises have always been bit of and on, but now, since I want to get in shape for that Synja-hiking I've decided it's time for some drastic measures. So yesterday I printed myself a pocket-sized calendar and bought bunch of stickers. From now on, everytime I do sports I get a shiny sticker on my calendar. Now I allready got two!

Have you ever had problems with keeping up with sports or something else you wanted to do but just can't find the time/energy etc.? What were your "drastic measures" then?

-Tiina

A real downturn

The egg-holiday is over and it sure feels like it too. Holiday was good; friends, drinks, good food, love and bowling, good times all and all. So good that its been actually painfull to get back to weekdays.

Yesterday I thought I´d need to get back to blogging after the holiday, but I couldn't bring myself to it. I hated beeing back in Kuopio where all things related to my illness fell on me hard after few days away. I had to go to hospital for some tests, I had to see my therapist and call my GP about my medication. I should have tried to call my dentist to book a new appointment, since the last one was cancelled due my bad medication. After that I should have called the doctors at KUH (Kuopio university hospital) to book an appointment to some medical treatment that can't be done before my teeth are fixed. On top of all that I had received three or four letters from KELA; one was an announcement that I had been admitted some benefits, another announced that some of my benefits were cancelled 'cause I was admitted another and I suppose the third would have been a report request of all things related to the before mentioned benefits. I don't know, I get these letters weekly and I'm too tired to follow them anymore. For months it´s been like this every week and I swear this illness and all this that is related to it is like running my own business. I've gotten so tired of this all and often wish it would all just disappear if I didn't do anything.

I've been writing this blog for about a month now and sometimes I have had to really try and make myself think positive. It's not very easy always and the circumstances aren't actually helping. But now I'm wondering why should I even try being happy when I'm not?? 

-Tiina

Just little things

I'm going on a little holiday to Oulu, but before I do I'd like to share these little things with you. They are from the world known blog Just Little Things.

Happy Easter to everyone!
-Tiina